I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
