put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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