birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
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