i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
