Little spoons don't ask big questions
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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