What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
