If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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