I wish my penis had an off switch
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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