the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
