Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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