I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
