I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
and she was petting her beer can
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
she told me i tasted like america
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
