I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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