have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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