I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
