Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
