he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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