I'm laying in your front yard are you home
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
