yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Randomize
