I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
