Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I'm experimenting with sincerity
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
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