I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
