somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Watching her eat just hurts me
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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