sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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