i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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