All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Randomize
