At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
