Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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