hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
