i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Dicks are not precious.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
