Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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