I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
