you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
