why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
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