I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
it wasn't lemon gatorade
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
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