What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
