Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Randomize
