I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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