my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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