you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
