I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
