I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
