Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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