I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I pour the whiskey from now on
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
