if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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