And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
