Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
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