you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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