I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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