a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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