my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
